Remember "Riley" from Season 4 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Talent-wise he's the male equivalent of a really big pair of tits, but in his defense... uh... yeah. Anyway, Riley does his best to play this selfish asshole who buys a penthouse and then finds out that a bunch of people were murdered there. Someone's stalking him too, plus the chick who lives downstairs is way too easy, so you know that whatever's going on she's probably in on it. The big twist it's all building up to is as obvious as Riley's lack of charisma, and besides, why should I care what happens to this doofus anyway? He's a complete dick, played by a shitty actor who's best known for being one of the all-time low points in an otherwise beloved, long-running TV series. He could fall off the roof with a pocket full of kittens for all I care. The worst though is when he finds out that the cop working his case isn't really a cop (something the audience realized at least forty minutes ago). All he has to do at this point is play along while surreptitiously dialing 911 on his cell phone and his problems are over. Instead, he immediately calls the dude out so they can have a big, dangerous, unnecessary fight that ends with the fake cop dead. Then, because he hasn't done anything astonishingly stupid in the last 20 seconds, he destroys all the evidence in a way that makes him look guilty as hell, and follows up by thoroughly pissing off the only person who could possibly turn him in. I swear, when they were handing out brains this clown must've said "No thanks, I'm pretty," and by the time he remembered that he wasn't a girl, it was too late.

Read Mr. Satanism's book, The 100 Best Movies Ever Made ...Mostly Suck, now available here and on Amazon.