"It's a jungle out there," says the main guy at the beginning of this movie. And, get this, when he says this he's actually in the jungle. It's the first clue that this flick is gonna be such an enormous pile of shit that you'd need a Sherpa to reach the top, and it only gets worse. Imagine an Indiana Jones movie, except instead of adventure it's filled with moronic jokes and retarded slapstick antics. And, using some unique movie formula I won't even pretend to understand, each scene is actually dumber and more insulting than the last, from the main guy rail surfing behind a train, to the part where two people roll downhill in a giant kettle, to the fake-ass giant spider, right up to the thrilling climax, which kicks off when an old lady jumps down a well and explodes for absolutely no reason and ends with a Nazi being eaten by a mutant hippo. Worst of all, instead of playing it cool and letting us all escape with at least a little dignity, the actor playing the main guy yuks his way through the whole thing like a wild-eyed asshole. Fuck him. There's only one legitimately badass scene, and that's where one bad guy makes another bad guy load up on all the diamonds he can carry, then forces him to eat several more with the intention of cutting him open later to get them. Other than that, watching more than five minutes of this movie is like hanging upside and pissing into the wind with your mouth open. Sure, you can do it, but why would you want to?