You know that John "Cougar" Melonfarmer song where he sings about how he was born in a small town and is too dumb and lazy to leave? Replace the small town with an ocean liner and you've got this movie. It starts when someone abandons a baby on board. This cat who works in the boiler room adopts him, and the baby grows up and learns to play the piano and make trite observations. He refuses to ever leave the ship though, not even years later when it's about to be blown up for scrap or whatever.

Okay, seriously, if you're a total shut-in and life completely passes you by because, say, you fell off a cliff and all your bones exploded, that's one thing. But if you're a total shut-in because you just won't leave the goddamned house (ship) then fuck you. Hell, I watch 82 movies a week and even I leave the house. They try to make the schmuck in this flick seem all romantic and shit, but think about it- if the story was exactly the same but the main guy never left his basement because he was playing video games, would it seem so charming then? "The Legend of the Guy Who's Really Good at World of Warcraft." Somebody should've put this loser in a chokehold and dragged him down the gangplank and straight to the nearest whorehouse ages ago. I'm glad he dies at the end (spoiler warning), but frankly this movie would've been ten times better if he had died in the first two minutes and it had been about anyone or anything else.