
Video Picks for Perverts
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(1988)
This tape so did not want to go into my VCR; I swear, it was like trying to penetrate a fourteen-year-old vir- Uh, forget you just read that, okay? So, this cartoon looked pretty promising at first- it has a great theme song, and it starts with these giant purple worms (they look like the Deadly Spawn) running wild in the streets and eating everything in sight. The main kid goes to his friend the mad scientist for help, and that's when the whole thing stops making any goddamned sense whatsoever. There's a talking robot (?) head; the toy they're trying to sell (whatever the hell it is) suddenly flies up the chimney; the mad scientist's house comes to life, strolls down the street, and sings a song; the worms go clubbing... What the fuck? It's like a story a two-year-old would tell, but at least you can smack the two-year-old and send him to bed without any supper. At least the second episode is a little more coherent. Basically, everything the mad scientist says happens, literally. Like if he says "Oh, dear," a deer will run through the lab. Before he can think to say "Ellie Kemper sex party" though the terrible puns and awful, unfunny sight gags have gotten so out of hand that it's like being at a Gallagher show, forcing him to stop talking entirely until the problem can be solved. Oh, wait, that would actually make sense. Instead, he keeps saying stupid, punny shit until I was ready to strangle somebody. Seriously, where's that two-year-old? Read Mr. Satanism's book, The 100 Best Movies Ever Made ...Mostly Suck, now available here and on Amazon.
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YOU don't have to PUT UP with the HIP.