I'll be honest here, I don't think I entirely understood this movie, not that it's gonna keep me up nights in the years to come. It has something to do with the Apocrypha, which is a collection of Bible stories that got cut during the final edit but the moviemakers seem to think is some witchcraft spellbook that can bring people back from the dead. "One of the most sought-after books in the history of man," the bad guy calls it. I got my copy at Media Play. The bad guy's objective, it turns out, is to use the Apocrypha to help Observer from Mystery Science Theater 3000 possess the main chick. For real, that's their plot. It's like making a movie where people summon Cthulhu using The Bible Coloring Book. Two seconds of research and you'd know to make up your own magic book instead, but apparently these bozos couldn't be bothered. It takes dedication, I tell ya.

At any rate, in order for the possession to go down, the main chick has to be inside a specific house at a specific time, so to make sure this happens the bad guy concocts a long-term, multi-layered scheme, which plays out over several years and includes but is not limited to: becoming a professor and teaching a course on the subject, manipulating the main chick into joining a team of ghost hunters, feeding the ghost hunters all this false information so they'll go into the house, and founding and maintaining a satanic cult to hang out in the nearby woods and bushwhack anyone trying to stop him. It's a pretty intricate plan. Me, I would've just called her on the phone and invited her over. If she wasn't sure she wanted to come I'd tell her that my tabby just had kittens and, oh my god, they're so cute! That works every time.