Okay, everyone knows that the He-Man/Masters of the Universe cartoon had this huge pro-gay agenda, which is fine because it was right out there in the open and it's not like they were trying to hide it or anything. This version was made by completely different people though, so I'm going to do my best to ignore the homo angle and review this movie on like its own terms.

This movie sucks.

First off, is the "wacky" dwarf really necessary? There was no toy of this guy and he wasn't in the cartoon so why do we have to put up his ass-sucking antics here? And what the fuck is up with Skeletor? Even though you knew he just got finished falling down the stairs with a bucket on his head, in the cartoon he still looked reasonably badass:

But check out the movie version:

If I picked up that mask in the Walgreen's Halloween aisle I'd be reasonably satisfied, but this is a big budget Hollywood movie for God's sake and it really isn't cutting it. Of course the story is retarded beyond words: they start on a planet that looks like deleted scenes from Krull, but most of the action goes down on Earth because when it comes to cheap locations, nothing beats the Earth. He-Man and the rest of the good guys end up here first, but when they lose their teleportation gizmo this kid finds it, decides it's "one of those new Japanese synthesizers" (Jesus Christ kill me now) and tries to rock out with it, which brings the bad guys running. Now there's a huge fight with spaceships flying around, buildings and cars exploding, and bodies being strewn all over Main Street, but absolutely nobody notices any of this. Even when some cops show up later they just tell the one person who did report it that he just needs to "get a little rest"! Seriously, the amount of contempt this piece of shit has for the people watching it boggles the fucking mind. Fuck you too, assholes.

This epic turd's one saving grace could've been the chicks: Evil-Lyn is hot enough to give the Pope wet dreams, Teela has a fantastic ass, and the "Dancing in the Dark"/Friends girl is here too and this was made back in her pre-anorexia days so she's looking particularly tasty. Not one of these bims gets naked though, so even that's a wash. We do get to see a shirtless man in bondage though. But then, what else do you expect from "He-Man"?