When you call your movie "Jumbo Shark vs. Super Octopus" you obviously aren't taking yourself very seriously, but that's no excuse for incompetence. The beginning of this sack is so discombobulated that I have no idea what was supposed to be happening, except that it involved an iceberg, a giant shark, a mega octopus, sonar, some whales, stunt hands that totally don't match the hands they're standing in for, and a helicopter pilot with a sore on his lip. (Ha ha! Gross.) I'm just going to assume that star Debbie "Deborah" Gibson was so fucking hot that she melted the iceberg the shark and the octopus were trapped in, allowing them to escape.

Except for the self-aware name and the fact that it stars Ms. Electric Youth Middle Age herself, there's nothing special about this turd. The cartoon effects (of course there are cartoon effects) are mega shit, the story is giant octo-retarded (i.e. eight times worse than regular retarded), and there's hippie bullshit everywhere: whining about whales and dolphins, whining about global warming, an Obama bumper sticker, even a part where Debbie turns down fish & chips because she's "trying to go veg" (at first I thought she said she was trying to go vag, which was kinda hot until I realized my mistake). And could someone please explain to me what Lorenzo Lame-ass is blathering about when he says this:

"Now clearly, we're dealing with a menace that no one has ever imagined, much less counted on."

What the hell does that even mean? This movie is utterly hopeless. I want everyone reading this to click through to Amazon right now and buy some Debbie Gibson MP3s, so she never has to do anything like this again.