You mothercunting fuckbombs. You miserable piss mongers. The Mummy Returns was a hopeless ball of fuck, but I was willing to give this one a chance because at least they put like a different spin on it. As it turns out though, I should've just dropped a dead skunk into a burlap sack, pissed all over it, and then mailed it to myself because this movie is such a piece of shit it's like someone took a shit and then shoved it back up their ass and shit it out again. No, wait, it's more like when a dog takes a shit, eats it, and then shits the exact same shit a second time. It's shit to the second power.

After some nonsensical Shogun style backstory, we join the main guy from the first two movies. He's fishing, see, but he can't catch anything so finally he just blows some fish out of the water with a handgun! Ha ha! It's completely illegal and incredibly dangerous! Later of course his wife - who thinks he caught the fish legitimately - eats one and finds a bullet in her mouth. Oh, the wackiness!

Before we laugh ourselves to death over all this hilarity the main guy and his wife are off to China, where, in a zany scene rivaling the best of Three's Company, they bump into their grown-up son, who's an archeologist now! It's like a total homage to Indiana Jones 4, which, you may recall, is the most hated one. Maybe they thought they could make this movie look better by reminding us of one that most people dislike even more, but I wasn't taken in by their ruse and all it did was help focus my anger even more on this piece of crap.

So anyway, there's a mummy, and our crew of assclowns (they've also picked up the main chick's brother and a girl ninja by this point) decides to track it down. Along the way there's a car/chariot chase (I like how the bad guys don't kill anybody during this part, but the good guys shoot off a rocket that blows up a whole trolley car full of innocent bystanders), more awful jokes (a yak pukes, so the brother says "The yak yacked." Please die, all of you.), and, in quite possibly the stupidest goat-fucking bullshit cunt scene to ever appear in any movie that will ever exist and fuck you, a bunch of abominable snowmen show up out of nowhere, for absolutely no reason, to lend a hand. (The main guy seems really surprised when this happens, like even more than he obviously should be, which is saying a lot. Listen to the way the actor says "Abominable snowmen???" when he first sees them. It's like you can hear his spirit break at that exact moment. "My career ends here," he's probably thinking. "Oh God, why did I take this role? Oh holy Jesus fuck...")

Honestly, that's it. I can't go on. Not only does the mastermind behind this movie deserve a week-long ass beating, but his whole family deserves an equal amount of grief for raising him to be the type of oblivious, amoral prick who would actually inflict it on the public. If I had my way I'd kick his dad's ass too, then I'd bitch slap his mom, run over his dog, and take his sister out on a date, act like I'm totally into her, then never call her again so she's all like "I don't understand, what did I do wrong?" Seriously, the last time I was this pissed off at a movie I was in it and the head detective was saying "Looks like we caught you red-handed, Mr. Satanism." Fuck.