This broad gets chicknapped and carted off to some mansion, where they tell her that from now on she's this complete stranger's wife. It'd be nice if it actually worked that way (I'd be married to some combination of Kimber Riddle, Ellie Kemper, Ke$ha, and Miley Cyrus as we speak, depending on their individual security precautious), but it doesn't so you'd think the second our main skirt talked to anyone else it would be game over for these bozos. Not in this movie though; in this movie, whenever she tells someone she's being held against her will they just laugh it off! Even when she manages to escape at one point the local minister brings her back! The message here is obvious: "When a chick says that she's the victim of a violent crime she's just making it up so you can safely ignore her." Besides, look at what she was wearing. She was totally asking for it.

So, why the monkeyshines? Well, as it turns out, the bad guys went through all this convoluted, completely unbelievable idiocy solely in the hopes that the main chick would eventually fall down the mansion stairs! What? This flick isn't just full of stupid shit, it couldn't even exist without stupid shit. My absolute favorite though has to be the bottle of poison someone pretends to take in one part. It just says "POISON" on it! Not "Rat Poison" or "Wealthy Dowager Poison". Just "Poison". Seriously, how do they even justify having that around the house?

Cop: "I see you have some POISON here."
Homeowner: "It's for the coloreds."
Cop: "Carry on."

Believe me, that explanation would totally fly in the 1940s.