The Da Vinci Code is this generation's Chariots of the Gods?: it's hilariously, embarrassingly moronic, but at least it gives stupid people something to debate at cocktail parties, giving me time to hook up with their wives in the guest bedroom. Or, better yet, their teenage daughter, from behind, while holding her head in the toilet. Because that's how little I respect the spawn of people who buy into The Da Vinci Code. Naturally it was inevitable that they would make a movie out of it, but in a hilarious twist some other company churned out this ripoff before the people doing the real movie even figured out what caterer they were gonna use. And, amazingly enough, this take isn't half bad. It's basically an Indiana Jones movie for people who don't have a passport: the main guy, his sidekick, and some broad they drag along for no reason whatsoever (seriously, we never even see her tits) steal the Declaration of Independence because there's a treasure map on the back that nobody ever noticed before, and then they run around the United States destroying historical treasures and getting chased by the bad guys. Now, you might think this whole premise is totally out of date since everyone knows that when George Bush Jr. was in office he traded the Declaration of Independence to a guy in Indiana for a Casper the Friendly Ghost comic that didn't even have a cover, but it was actually the Bill of Rights he traded so rest assured the story still works. It would've been a lot cooler if they fucked up more historical artifacts though. For example, maybe someone could've taken a shit in Abraham Lincoln's hat. That's for the federal income tax, you tall drink of fuck.