Gaaaah! The last thing I want to see during the holidays, or ever, are creepy, Polar Express type cartoon people. Seriously, who comes up with these cartoons or thinks for even one second that they're actually a good idea? Just because you can do something with a computer doesn't always mean you should.

So, everybody knows the story of the Nutcracker. Except me, come to think of it. I'm pretty sure it doesn't involve actual talking nuts though, so I guess that's this version's gimmick. The nuts come to life to help this girl who wishes that Christmas would disappear forever, just because her parents are going to be a little late getting home on Christmas Eve. Talk about a fucking drama queen. So what do the nuts do? They use Christmas magic to shrink the self-absorbed bitch down to their size and then smash her fucking face in. Oh, sorry, that was just wishful hoping on my part. Actually, and I'm not kidding this time, they all go to sleep! Brilliant. It's a good thing the bad guy in this story is a bit more proactive: he's the Mouse King, and he wants to kidnap the nuts and put them to work in his cheese mines (because those exist). As an added bonus, somehow this will destroy Christmas. I'd go on, but there's really no point since the whole plot is just random, incomprehensible gibberish from start to finish, although I would be lax in not mentioning the part where the Mouse King decides that he wants to fuck the human girl, even though she's like a thousand times his size. There's only two possible ways for that kind of forbidden love to play out, and they both usually end with a particularly humiliating visit to the emergency room.

Incidentally, the actual Nutcracker in this cartoon is way too small to put nuts into and therefore really isn't even a nutcracker at all. Way to entirely miss the point, assholes.