So, it's come to this: comedic torture porn. Can't Hollywood go one week without pissing me off? I mean really, is that too much to ask? The story concerns this fat slob who kidnaps a teenage girl and chains her in his basement so he can act out some complicated (but retarded) fantasy where he takes her to the prom and they dance to Blue Oyster Cult. Seriously? That's his twisted sex fantasy? If you're gonna go to all this trouble you really need to come up with something better than that. Me, I generally snatch two girls, dress them up as supervillains, and make them fight each other. Then the loser has to go to "jail", where... Uh, okay, forget you just read that. The point is, nobody outside of a few Wizard of Id fans wants to see a comedy about torture, which means that this flick needs to be pretty fucking funny to overcome people's biases and trust me when I say that gags like a cop who gets everybody's name wrong or vigilantes torturing the wrong person due to mistaken identity ain't gonna cut it. Look, I'm all for folks being tortured (especially if it's someone who really deserves it, like internationally recognized soul patch advocate/vomit bag/Cheaters host Joey Greco), but this shit is just retarded. The only reason I wasted my time on this dumb movie in the first place is because Illeana Douglas is in it, and I've got me a bone to pick with Illeana Douglas. Oops, that's a typo. What I mean is, I want to put my bone in Illeana Douglas. Seriously, I think she's a total fox.