"Pinocchio" my ass. This little fucker looks, and sounds, like Peppermint Patty, and as far as I'm concerned that's who he is. She is. Whatever. So anyway, Peppermint Patty just wants to buy some Christmas presents, but these scheming gypsies bamboozle her out of her money (fucking gypsies; the Nazis had the right idea on that count, at least) so she has no choice but to pursue a career in the theater. She decides to rob her boss the very first night though, and when the reckoning comes due she barely makes it out of town ahead of the law. Later she meets a fairy, gets kidnapped, saves a family's Christmas, hitches a ride with Santa, and, just as I always expected, takes a lesbian lover.

Definitely weird, but it's not all bad: the look on Geppeto's face when they're about to be eaten by the whale is hilarious, and I liked the part where Peppermint Pinocchio decides that Jiminy Cricket is too preachy and tries to smash him with a book. That bit actually comes from the original story, where Pinocchio really does kill Jiminy Cricket by smashing him with a hammer. The original story also ends with Pinocchio dying a horrible death at the end of a noose as punishment for all his bastard behavior, but, as usual, expecting awesomeness of that caliber from this version was way too much to hope for.