This zany chink wizard has all sorts of shit on his plate. First, he's a milk vampire and has to drink tit milk to stay young. Since broads don't exactly produce on command* he puts a spell on this one chick and makes her pregnant... with a monster! Way to keep things on the down-low, idiot. Meanwhile, he's also running some sort of zombie pimp service on the side; basically, he pounds a spike into a dead chick's head, then she comes back to life and throws it out. Total cost for this service: five grand, and apparently you still run the risk of having her start to rot right in the middle of business. Doesn't sound like a very good bargain to me- no wonder he has to kill all these pissed-off johns. Actually, are they still called "johns" in China, or are they called "chans" or something? Anyway, all this crazy shit doesn't exactly go unnoticed, so some doctors start to piece it together and decide to dig up a guy the wizard whacked and have an autopsy ("We may find something that can be useful to science," says one). When they start nosing around too much the wizard ices a couple of them and puts a spell on another one, but a good wizard eventually shows up, beats the spell out of the one guy with a dead wombat or something, and then shows him how to take care of the bad wizard once and for all. Along the way there's a monster abortion, eye eating, zombies, plenty of blood, and - every Asian's favorite - tons of worms. Needless to say, this movie rocks.

*Except in this one video I used to have. It was called like "The Milk Maids" or something and starred "Sharon Lactate". Damn I wish I still had that tape.