If I was making a science fiction movie, I would refuse to hire any actor who pronounces "NASA" like it has a W at the end. Also, I wouldn't hire any chicks who don't do topless. It's called professionalism, you prude bitches. In this movie, some clowns stargate to another planet on a top-secret mission that goes all to fuck when they get stranded there and attacked by bears. You read that right: bears. Sending your characters to an alien planet to fight bears is like flying to Tokyo for a Big Mac: it's ten times easier to do the same thing here, and as a bonus you don't end up looking like an idiot. Now, I like bear movies so much that I once tried to buy the rights to Grizzly 2, so I won't pretend that a whole planet full of killer bears doesn't have some appeal, but this flick sucks it raw from frame one. Or pixel one. Whatever. Obviously the set-up is dumb, and the plot is completely meaningless: they think they're on the planet looking for one unique, super-valuable whatsit that will save the world, but then the big "twist" is that they're really looking for some other unique, super-valuable whatsit that will save the world. What fucking difference does it make? Why does the bad guy even feel the need to lie about this? And then there's the bears. They're a mixture of actual bears that never come anywhere near a real person, costumes that wouldn't pass muster on the New Zoo Revue, and cartoon effects so bad that the person who did them should be in jail. Seriously, cartoon effects "specialist", I love how the cartoon "incision" someone makes in a dead bear is moving all over the screen, but a cartoon bear that's supposed to be lumbering towards a guy just walks in place and never gets any closer to him. The fact that you even work in the cartoon effects industry should be the subject of an Alanis Morissette song. Stupid asshole.

Fun Fact: Apparently, giant killer alien cave bears see everything in shades of fuchsia and lime green. They're total fags.

Read Mr. Satanism's book, The 100 Best Movies Ever Made ...Mostly Suck, now available here and on Amazon.