Scream is a slasher movie for people who think they're too good for slasher movies, a smug piece of shit that gives the stamp of approval to their above-it-all attitude so they can feel extra justified when they look down on stuff like Halloween 2 or Friday the 13th 7 or My Bloody Valentine 1.0. Of course Scream trots out all the same lazy, dumb bits as any of those flicks - walking outside alone when a killer's on the loose; characters named after characters from other slasher movies; laughably tragic backstory; dumb, convoluted motive for the killer - but because people in the movie keep calling attention to them somehow we're supposed to think that it's all so fucking clever. No, you fucking simpletons, clever would be coming up with a way to fix those lazy, dumb bits, or at the very least inventing some new ones. It's the difference between saying something is retarded, and actually explaining why it's retarded. Or, to put it in high-falutin' terms, acknowledging clichés isn't the same as overcoming them. (Thank you, thesaurus.com.) If you're into horror movies and like Scream then you're a sap, because rest assured that Scream doesn't like you. In fact, it thinks you're an asshole. If I still haven't convinced you, you know who does dig this movie? This guy, who hated the fuck out of Death Race 2000, Alligator, Piranha, and The Hitcher.

Case so fucking closed that it held a going-out-of-business sale.