Showing a guy playing with a prop knife - that has a retractable blade and everything - and then murdering him with a cartoon knife via beyond fake-looking cartoon effects has got to be the ultimate "we don't give a damn if you enjoy this movie or not, and by the way, fuck your mother" insult to the audience yet. There aren't enough tits in Titville to dig yourselves out of this hole, makers of Slash. If this is how you handle all your business, I wouldn't get too attached to your kids (if you have any) because I guarantee it won't be long before they die of shame.

So, this band that sucks even longer and harder than Bruno Mars gets stranded out the lead singer's family farm (that's how you say it in the sticks, "out the"), and before long some cat dressed as a scarecrow shows up and tries to do the world a favor by killing all of them. Rather than getting into a whole thing, I'll just list stuff that sucks about this movie until I get bored or my hands cramp up, whichever comes first:

• The sole hottie dies at the very beginning

• The guys are prettier than the girls

• The black dude is so fucking obnoxious that his personality should be used as a recruiting tool for the KKK. Seriously, why doesn't someone kick this guy's ass?

• They barely show the vast majority of the murders

• There's almost no gore

• There's no tits

• Most of the band survives

• The movie ends with the band on stage, where they play an entire song. Because people love it when movies end with a long, pointless scene that has nothing to do with the story and is there just to showcase a hopelessly lame rock band that completely chugs ass.

• The song the band plays at the end is the dumbest piece of puke-garbage I've heard since Semisonic broke up. What? Semisonic is technically still together? Who knew, right? Exactly: nobody.

Seriously, there is no way you make a movie this bad unless that's specifically what you set out to do. The only possible explanation is that this flick was conceived by some church group in an attempt to turn people off of horror movies. Well, mission not accomplished, makers of Slash, although country music is looking pretty good right now and I don't know if I'll ever look at black people the same way again. Thanks, assholes. You've turned me into a redneck.