
Video Picks for Perverts
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(1995)
It's no exaggeration to say that South Beach is the single worst place in the entire universe, and the number one example of everything that's wrong with America today. The only reason the 9/11 terrorists didn't make a considerably more valid point by flying one of those planes down to Miami and destroying it for good is because they knew that, in the long run, they'd be doing us a favor. Adding a Corey to the mix just makes things 3.65 times worse (yes, I did the math), so the only way this movie has any chance of not sucking trough after trough of lukewarm shit is if they got a super talented writer who came up with a especially brilliant, hilarious script. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha! Seriously though, the story concerns these idiots who have to win a volleyball game or South Beach Academy will be taken over by a millionaire gangster. And what, exactly, is South Beach Academy? From what I can gather, it's a sole dilhole in camouflage pants screaming at bikini babes like they're in the Bikini Marines or something. So, the main guy and his girl run around putting together their volleyball team, while Corey just hangs around strip clubs ignoring the plot entirely, which proves that he's not such a moron after all. It all ends with the most boring sports scene ever filmed, plus a part where the mob boss, who I would assume is an especially dangerous character with any number of resources and innumerable ties to the underworld, is thwarted just by kicking him in the face. There's almost no actual jokes, and surprisingly few standout hotties, but there are lots of fakes (tits and people), so at least they got the ambiance right. Fuck South Beach. Read Mr. Satanism's book, The 100 Best Movies Ever Made ...Mostly Suck, now available here and on Amazon.
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YOU don't have to PUT UP with the HIP.