The Spirit has a lot going for him, not the least of which is being a super easy Halloween costume. He looks sharp, he can carry his entire costume in his wallet, and his only superpower is punching so there's not a lot of complicated backstory. I was prepared to like this movie so much that I wore a condom while I watched it.

Well, the joke's on me, because I forgot that Hollywood can ruin anything and, frankly, prefers to. First off, in this movie the Spirit does have superpowers, like being able to walk along telephone wires, which as far as superpowers go is utterly retarded. Unless you're Squirrel Girl, I suppose. Oh, and nothing can kill him. (This being the case, I don't know why he keeps saying that the Angel of Death is "never far away". I guess he's just being a drama queen.) The real problem with this flick though is that someone with a brain made out of assholes decided that it should contain an endless leakage of slapstick antics. The Spirit gets hit in the balls and bashed over the head with a toilet, a truck leaves "funny" tire marks across some goober's face, the Spirit's pants fall down, Shemp gets sprayed with a fire hose and falls over the balcony right onto the wedding cake, and so on and so forth and so fucking annoying. Then there's the bad guy: he's strong, he's black, and sometimes he's in blackface (uh, is that racist or not?), but as far as I can tell his main shtick is constantly talking about eggs. When your bad guy's most distinguishing characteristic is that he skipped breakfast, it really is time to go back to the drawing board. And die there.

If this was a comedy, I could understand (it would still suck my huge, but I could understand), but every once in a while they remind us that it's just a piece of crap by throwing in some insane violence or a part that we're actually supposed to take seriously. Well, would you like to know what I take seriously? Revenge. Here's the deal: I can't actually ask anyone to kill the dick who came up with this fuck-awful shitbomb because that would be conspiracy or some equally vague, nit-picky crime, but if something were to happen to him - you know, accidentally - and maybe you told me about it later, I would definitely make it worth your while. In fact, I'm gonna slip a crisp, new five dollar bill into an envelope and set it aside right now, just in case that ever happens.