"The Bill of Rights. It stinks." -Inspector Sledge Hammer

I remember the TV ads for this flick, mainly because they always ran at 2 AM when I was actually up. The commercial made the whole thing look all mysterious and badass, but in the end it's just another boring slog about people taking the law into their own hands because the usual methods, like two plainclothes chasing a guy down, for no reason, without even identifying themselves as cops, just aren't cutting it. I can't imagine why that would be the case. Irregardless, it seems too many dirtballs are getting off on technicalities (Damn you, technicalities!), so some cats have formed this little sewing circle that puts out hits on the worst of them, and as our story begins is halfway over it's time bring a new guy into the fold:

First Star Chamber Dude: "When will you talk with him?"
Second Star Chamber Dude: "Soon."
First Star Chamber Dude: "What does 'soon' mean?"
Second Star Chamber Dude: "It means not in the next ten minutes and before late."

So witty! The new guy is Gordon Gekko, and he's fully with the program until the Star Whackers accidentally sic their hatchet man on couple of scumlickers who turn out to be totally guilty, just not of the crime they're gonna be whacked for. Uh oh, it's a moral dilemma! I generally solve those by getting so drunk I can't even recall what the issue was, but Gordon Gekko decides that he has to make shit right, even if it means blowing this conspiracy wide open and a drug lab completely up. If you're thinking to yourself Wow, that's just how I expected this story to play out! then welcome to how bored I was. For real, this movie has clichés that haven't even been invented yet. Even worse, the most exciting bit is when Gordon Gekko almost falls down a stairwell, while alone, and due solely to his own klutziness. And how do you even respond to a laughable attempt at a tough-guy line like this:

Drug Dealer: "He'd soon as kill ya as eat a hamburger."

I'll gladly kill you tomorrow for a hamburger today! Or, you know, some drugs.