Rest assured that I have better things to do than watch the TV show Stargate STD-1, so if I get any facts wrong don't bother writing in to tell me about it. I really don't give a fuck.

And... two minutes in I'm already completely lost. What the hell are these people talking about? Apparently there's a bad guy, and he's talking a lot of shit, but they've already caught him and I think he's about to be executed so he better have something pretty good up his sleeve or this is gonna be the shortest movie ever. Well, it turns out that he does, or rather his clone does. Wait, his clone? Honestly, does this really have to be so complicated? This DVD should've come with a scorecard so that those of us with better taste in television would have at least some idea what the fuck was going on. Or better yet, package it with a bottle of Jameson's and after a few glasses no one will give a shit.

Okay, the bad guy's clone goes back in time and prevents the Stargate from ever going online, which makes some stars of the show disappear but not others. (I'm guessing that the actors who play the ones who disappeared demanded the most money per hour.) The rest? They end up on a new version of Earth where none of the Stargate TV shows ever happened. (Wow. Dare to dream.) Amazingly enough everyone on Earth 2.0 ultimately believes their story, but nobody has the slightest interest in changing things back so they're basically told to zip it and find something else to do with their time! Ha! I think this is the first movie I've ever seen where the good guys are defeated by total indifference.

So a year goes by, and suddenly there's an alien invasion! I'm assuming this development will actually make sense to the people who watch Stargate and the various spin-offs of Stargate (Stargate: Baltimore), so I'm willing to roll with it, but what bored me to tears was the big "revelation" that the missing good guys from the beginning are bad guys now. I practically dislocated my jaw I yawned so hard. And frankly it doesn't say much for them that, apparently, they're only good guys when it's the path of least resistance. Somebody's idea of heroes, I guess. At any rate, if you predicted that the aliens are eventually defeated and everything is reset back to normal then congratulations, you should change your name to "Spoiler Warning" and get a job writing for Entertainment Weekly. Or better yet, change it to "Captain Obvious" and write for Stargate.

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