Somewhere between the retarded-ass "holodeck" (which conveniently ignores that fact that you wouldn't be able to walk more than 20 feet in any one direction), the politically correct bullshit, and having 75% of all episodes be about Data betraying the Enterprise, Star Trek: The Fake Generation did do one thing right: the Borg. The Borg were completely and utterly bad ass, so when they made a Fake Generation movie about them I figured that it might actually be good. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! How wrong I was.

First, let's look at the Borg's brilliant plan. They want to fuck our shit up by going back in time, changing the past, and "assimilating" (that's their big buzzword) everyone on Earth, but instead of doing this on the sly they make a huge show of it and totally tip us off so that we'll have a chance to stop them. I suppose it's possible that they were bored and wanted to make this mission more of a challenge, but I think it's way more likely that the writer just figured that we wouldn't notice. Speaking of lazy hackwork, you gotta love the part where the good guys put on spacesuits and have a little fight with the Borg on the outside of the ship. They jump through so many hoops to make this bit necessary that for a minute I thought I accidentally switched to the Cirque du Soleil channel. The stupidity just goes on and on: the bad guys only attack when it's like convenient to the plot; "Number One" reacts to everything by grinning like a goddamned acid casualty (nice range, idiot); and of course someone just has to say "Assimilate THIS!" right before he blows some Borgs out of the sky. Fuck. Off. Then, the final insult: during one big scene this cat pops in his tunes and we're supposed to get all pumped because it's fucking Steppenwolf. Obviously a Baby Boomer came up with that, because only a Baby Boomer would assume that even in the science-fiction future no one listens to anything except shitty "classic" rock. Seriously, Baby Boomers, can't you all just die right now?

It would take an encyclopedia to list everything that's stupid about and wrong with this movie, so I'm gonna make my job easier by showing you the only thing it does right:

Troi has never looked finer, and, best of all, she gets bombed in one part. You can't even begin to imagine the twisted perversions I would inflict on a drunken Troi. Seriously, you'd doubt your sanity.