
Video Picks for Perverts
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(2006)
If you're an actor, you should try to avoid being in any movie with a name that could be an Abbott & Costello routine: Actor: "Did you get me any parts?" Seriously, only a truly dedicated hack could make a movie about girl gymnasts that's almost completely unwatchable. If the brainless twat who wrote this piece of crap actually passed sixth-grade English, I swear I'll eat my fucking hat. It starts with this chick who wears all these old-school punk rock t-shirts featuring bands she's way too young to be into (this is the latest movie shorthand for "cool", replacing wearing a CBGB's t-shirt even though you never went there and aren't even sure where it was). She gets busted for property destruction, so the judge forces her to become a gymnast because this movie has a criminally flawed understanding of our judicial system and also is completely moronic. Big surprise (not), it turns out that this chick used to be the greatest gymnast in the universe, but she quit so she'd have more time to wear punk rock t-shirts, and now she has to fight her way back to the top and win the championship against all odds, all for the glory of love. This is basically just an autistic version of every other movie with the exact same story, but what really makes it a classic in the annals of suck is the fact that most of the gymnasts (including the main chick) are total dogs. In fact, the only genuine hottie in this disaster is Vanessa Lengies (who just happens to be one of the finest pieces on Earth) and thank God for her:
Damn, I want the shit out of that. Even her gourmet-quality ass isn't enough to save this movie though. It's like watching Tinker Bell drown in a bucket of shit. |
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