Normally I wouldn't hold a fifteen minute flick someone shot at their uncle's house to the same high standards as, say, a Lifetime Original Movie, but the joker who made this insisted on bringing it to my attention and I had to suffer through it, so he'll get no mercy from me. It starts with this guy and his morbidly obese wife talking about how beautiful they are and the baby they're about to have. Well, they're half right anyway: she does have the baby, but, tough break for Ben & Jerry's stockholders, she croaks in the process. Five years later the guy is nailing a new piece of ass, but he can't stop thinking about his dead wife. And naturally in all his remembrances she's making food.

The kid, meanwhile, got adopted by some other family. They take him back to the house where he was born, but the second they pull into the driveway this blonde - who, unlike everyone else in this flick, is attractive and can kind of act - warns them to beware the fat chick's ghost: "She tends to get vindictive, you know. Especially if she doesn't get what she wants." (That would be cake.) Of course they don't listen, and two seconds later the ghost is standing over the kid with blood (or, more likely, cherry pie filling) dripping down her face. Her rampage begins, I swear to fucking god, with her taking a bite out of the adopted mom's neck! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I knew she was gonna end up eating everyone, I knew it! She doesn't get any further though because suddenly they cut to one year later! Are you kidding me? Oh, wait, now it's six years before! At least the cute blonde is back for this part, sitting on the couch with the first guy while the fat wife stares at them with her mouth hanging open like she expects someone to start throwing Snickers bars in her general direction. See, it turns out that before she died Fattie killed Hottie for stepping out with her man, so now (that would be six years later) they're both ghosts! Wow, what an amazing twist. Never mind that it has almost nothing to do with anything else that happened.

I like my reviews to be hateful but constructive, so here's some advice, Tragic: when you make a movie with no money, you need to "play to your strengths". In this case, writing, directing, camerawork, lighting, special effects, and finding good actors aren't your strengths. Your strength is knowing a hot blonde, so run with that. I suggest making her the star of your next movie and investing the rest of your budget in wardrobe; specifically, a wardrobe consisting entirely of bikinis. Or, if that's out of your price range, a wardrobe consisting entirely of nothing. She's 18, right? If not, I've got a drop box where you can send my copy.

Good luck. I'm looking forward to seeing how it turns out.