Why are all vampires counts? For real, I can't think of a single vampire who's even made the effort to earn a higher title. Maybe it's a self-esteem thing. At any rate, the villagers in this movie have had it with their local Count Vampire, so they invade his crib and after a couple of preliminary screw-ups where they try to stab him in the heart with a rubber knife and run the wooden stake through his dick, they manage to get it right and dust the fucker. His supa-mega-hot girlfriend escapes though, and 15 years later she comes back with an entire circus of vampires to rescue him. (I know that sounds like a long time, but vampires do live forever and besides, you don't exactly throw a circus together overnight.) The circus includes some incest-twin acrobats, a panther that turns into a fag, and, just for Jones, a midget clown. Before long the vampires are killing everybody, and the locals can't even run away because the town's been quarantined due to the bubonic death or something! There's murder, gore, midget abuse, premeditated violence against a monkey, a hilariously fake panther attack (it's looks more like some furry sex gone way wrong), impalement with a giant cross, a sweet-ass decapitation, more top-shelf tail than any one flick really needs (not that I'm complaining), and tits, the most impressive of which are provided by the Burgermaster's insanely lick-gasmic daughter, who is instantly one of the ten finest chicks I've ever seen in my entire life. In short, I recommend seeing this movie immediately. Or, you know, you can watch Twilight with your frigid girlfriend again. It's entirely your call.