With a few wretched exceptions Van Helsing is generally depicted as an old guy, I assume because he's supposed to be all knowledgeable and shit. Not in this movie though. In this movie he's depicted as what would happen if Solomon Kane stole all of Batman's gear and used it to fight cartoons. That's right, the monsters in this flick are mostly cartoons (hell, even their version of Mr. Hyde is a fucking cartoon, and he's supposed to look like a regular person), so needless to say all the big action parts look like fake shit. As for the rest of it, well, let's put it this way: the story starts with Van Helsing visiting Q and loading up on a bunch of high-tech science-fiction gizmos to fight Dracula. Since this movie goes down in 1888 it doesn't take long to realize that the person who wrote it is a dullard beyond compare, never mind the fact that he apparently can't write anything that he hasn't already seen in twenty movies before. Actually, that's not entirely true- there's some crap in this movie I've never seen before, mainly because most moviemakers would reject it out of hand because it's so goddamned stupid. For example, why in fuck's name does the main chick's brother do the backstroke up a wall before he turns into a werewolf? It makes zero sense, has nothing to do with anything, and it can't just be because it looks "kewl" and "xtreme" and ZOMG, because it looks fucking retarded. And why does Dracula employ an army of Ugnaughts? Or have whole rooms filled with invasion of the body snatcher pods? Oh, wait, they did explain that last one- the pods have baby vampires inside, which is okay as far as it goes, but frankly I'd kind of like to know how this works, you know, biologically. Are you telling us that chick vampires actually pop these gigantic pods out of their undead twats (ouch), or do the baby vampires just grow the pods later, like cocoons? Hell, for all the thought that went into it they might as well buy the pods at Target.

Let's see, what else is wrong with this movie? It's too fucking long, that's for sure; the "story" is just chaos and random occurrences; the Frankenstein Monster's pop-top head makes him look like one of those old-school "Real Ghostbusters" action figures; it's so lazy it steals everything, up to and including the dancing vampires/mirror scene from The Fearless Vampire Killers; even the end credits use too many cartoon effects; it completely ignores the laws of physics; there's no tits... The list just goes on and on, but the straw that breaks the camel's neck has to be the part where a coach pulled by six horses jumps over a 35-foot gorge because the bridge is out:

This isn't just stupid, or even beyond stupid, it's so hopelessly stupid that expecting us to buy it is an affront to God. Even if he doesn't exist. Fuck you, writer-director-asshole Stephen Sommers. Who in FUCK'S NAME do you think you are to assume I'm dumb enough to blindly accept this crap? I should kick your fucking ass right here and now, you human dick, and follow up by kicking your mother in the twat hard enough to ensure that she doesn't make any more like you. You miserable son of a bitch. You shitbag prick. You back alley cunt sampler.

Christ on a funeral barge, I can't remember a movie I've hated more. Oh, wait, yes I can.